News Not Unexpected February 5, 2007
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Mom has deteriorated unbelievably fast over the past two days. Never mind that she can no longer walk – that was two weeks ago – but now she can no longer even sit up in bed. We need to get the hospital bed in my apartment as soon as possible. I always had a feeling that her doctor’s estimate of possibly 8 months to live was an overestimate. I could tell by the way my mother was responding to the news that she had cancer, and her extremely deep depression, that time was short. I think I had already come to grips on my own that it wouldn’t be long. I even had a dream last night that scared the hell out of me. Far too vivid. So I was surprised and yet not surprised when I asked the visiting nurse today how long she thought mom had and she replied “maybe a few weeks”. For the most part I was expecting that and maybe even felt a sort of relief. Mom’s not living. She sleeps all day, she’s cut herself off from all friends and what little family we have, all she thinks about day and night is dying, and she has these horribly vivid dreams about her body exploding, etc. She needs some peace. I cannot imagine what a void there will be in my life without her. Despite our sometimes toxic relationship, despite months where we would not speak to each other, despite horrible words exchanged between us, I think we always knew we loved each other. For the most part it’s just been her and myself getting though life toghter. Kind of envisioned us in twenty years sitting on rocking chairs on a front porch bickering and laughing.
Sometimes stronger isn’t what you’re looking for… January 31, 2007
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Fall #5. I’ll spare the details, but suffice to say the EMT’s in my locale almost got another call. Luckily, somehow, mother and I were able to struggle and get her back up. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t struggle with the idea of a nursing home. I don’t want to come out of this a stronger person. I know everyone means well, and I know the truth is that I am stronger than I thought, but what I really want is for all of this to be a really bad nightmare that I’ll wake up from.
Don’t get me wrong. My childhood was no picnic. My mother had a lot of problems that were never dealt with, and then affected her own raising of a child. But she did it on her own. My father was dead by the time I was six. Sometimes my mother worked two jobs to support us. We had little help from family. She was (most of the time, anyway) very independent, one of the smartest women I’ve ever met, with one hell of a sense of humor. Watching her deteriorate before my eyes is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I never thought I would be changing my mother’s diapers, helping feed her and watching her become confused and disoriented at times.
Yes, I am stronger than I thought. Oh, I still have my little breakdowns, and I’m scared by what the future may hold. I may not have much family, but I have some wonderful friends. And life will go on. But it will never be the same.
Too much, too soon January 28, 2007
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I know I haven’t been posting much, it’s not for lack of things to say. It’s more of a lack for saying them coherently. Oh, and time. EMT’s have come 4 times in last two weeks to pick up my mother because she keeps getting up on her own (despite protests from me, her VNA, her home health aide, her social worker and the EMT’s) and then falling. While she has lost a lot of weight from the cancer, she is still too much for me to pick up. I really can’t leave for any length of time, unless I know she’s asleep. Taking out the garbage Wednesday was the 4th visit from the EMT’s.
She did make the decision to go to home hospice. She can’t really walk, so chemo is pretty much out of the question. I have her asking me if I know how to write an obituary, the social worker asking me to pick a funeral home, and relatives coming out of the woodwork that I don’t know if their intentions are honorable. And the thought in the back of my head as to how much longer I can do this by myself. I promised her I wouldn’t put her in a nursing home – and I don’t want to. It’s just that I’m falling apart both emotionally and physically. And her oncologist telling me that while I need to take care of her, she WILL die from this, and I need to think about my own future.
The only good thing I can say I’ve accomplished this week is still not responding to Pablo. I did call his voice mail a week or so ago and asked him not to call, said I wasn’t angry, and that maybe (*maybe* being the key word here) I would contact him in the future. Too much going on in my life to be unintentionally played with by an unstable person.
And time marches on… January 20, 2007
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I’m really too tired to write anything. I have some very serious decisions to make over the next few days about several situations. Laura has gone from deciding to go onto hospice (home) on Wednesday after her oncologist appointment to deciding to continue chemo – or at least that’s her decision at the moment. However, I think I may have a more serious decision to make and I have no idea how to broach the subject with her. I’m just so worn down that the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again drains me. I have had to call 911 to come and pick her up because she’s fallen twice this week – well, actually three times. One of the times a social worker was here and we were able to get her back on the bed, but not without wrenching my already disc degenerated back. She’s not eating much. She’s dehydrated. This isn’t how it should be.
Everything else has just fallen apart. I can’t even get around to changing the cat litter, nevermind cleaning the house. I can’t do errands because she can’t be trusted to stay in bed. I can’t vacuum because there isn’t a clear path anywhere. Computer time, really the only time I get to myself, is rare.
Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Just when I was at peace with (somewhat passively) cutting the cord with him, who do I hear from but Pablo. I was just thinking this week that I wasn’t mad or angry at him over our last conversation, and I wasn’t really upset about not hearing from him. That part of my life was sort of zen. Well, f*&$ me, who emails me yesterday? “Oh and I know you might be angry with me, but I’d appreciate at least a short response”.
Guess I picked the wrong year to stop swearing.
Houston, I think we have a problem… January 16, 2007
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Remember that possible “really bad personal meltdown” I mentioned when I started this blog? Well, it started yesterday, and hit crisis level today. I really thought I could handle this. I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park, but I thought I could do this on my own. Especially now, in the early stages (or as early as you can get with advanced pancreatic cancer) of Laura’s illness. Of course, my depression kicking in didn’t help. I’m just overwhelmed. Too many things to take care of, large and small, and now even the little things have become overwhelming. At this point we’re both just hanging on by a thread and little things are cutting away at that thread to the point where we’re both reaching meltdown…”I’m melting…melting”…picture the scene from “The Wizard of Oz” where the scarecrow throws the bucket of water on the wicked witch and I think that’s a pretty good image of what’s happening. Things from the past that I thought we had put behind us this past summer have popped back out. Or maybe they were there all along and we just tried to ignore them. But they’re somewhat ugly things – I may or may not go into them later. Let’s just say that I think years of therapy have been completely undone in a short matter of time.
I’m tired. I’m not sleeping well. And at 2:30 pm I think the only thing I can face right now is a nap.
It’s Going to Be a Long Haul January 13, 2007
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It appears a lot of posts on this blog will involve a lot of my mother’s battle with cancer. (Though certainly not all posts.) She has just given up, pretty much completely. The doctor’s and I agree this is more due to her depression than the cancer symptoms. I can’t say how I would react if someone told me I had a terminal illness. But a part of me is angry. I feel like both my parents bailed on me. That’s my issue to deal with though.
Right now, we’ve upped her psych meds, but that’s about all she’s on right now. She’s eating SO little that keeping meds in her is a major ordeal. She’s so weak from not eating that she’s very shaky. She skipped chemo this week and is taking some time to decide whether she really wants to continue treatment or just start hospice. She’s very frightened. Frightened of dying, frightened of what her symptoms will be when her symptoms advance, frightened of being alone. She even wants me to be with her when she’s sleeping. She wants me with her 24/7. In the meantime, I want to be with her – we don’t know how much time she has left. But nothing is getting done. I’m afraid to leave the house because there’s no one to stay with her and she’s fallen twice (and she’s obviously very weak from lack of nutrition). We still have legal matters to resolve. My house literally looks like a cyclone hit it. And what little free time I get is when she’s asleep (thus my writing at 3:30am). It’s hard for me, because all my friends are out of state. My computer time is very precious. I can keep in touch with friends, some groups I belong to, as well as the John Hopkins Pancreatic Cancer Site. We’re trying to look for a laptop that I could use while in the bedroom with her, but finances are tight.
There are times when I get pissed too. She wants to crawl into a ball and just end it. There are times when I would like to just crawl into a ball and not deal with all this, but I have no choice. I’m sole caretaker. I’m pissed that she wants to throw in the towel this early. But I have promised her I will abide by her wishes. There are times when I just go into the bathroom and cry.
We’ll have a visit from a hospice nurse this weekend to discuss her options. We’ll see how that goes.
I would write more, but I’m exhausted.
Beginnings… January 11, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, beginnings, cancer, writing.2 comments
Beginnings, and approaching endings, have never been easy for me – whether they were something as difficult as personal relationships, or academic, like when I would start a term paper the night before it was due (and always manage to ace it). In the past few years my writing has become much more difficult for me, partially due to fibro fog (from my Fibromyalgia) and I’m sure partially from letting my brain …well, for lack of a better word, rot. In a distant past I was constantly writing – research papers, correspondence, and of course, tons of journal writing. I was much more articulate in those days. Much more intelligent. Realistically, I know the intelligence and articulateness are still there (perhaps just sleeping?). But, DAMN, I sure feel stupid these days. So if you are reading this, and read further posts, please bear with me. Thus begins the blog.
Endings are another thing though. My mother has advanced pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in early December. Short of a miracle (and I am praying for one), we’re on limited time. How limited varies from doctor to doctor and whether she decides to continue treatment. To say I am not dealing well with this is an understatement. In the past my journals have been my sounding boards, my place to try and make sense of the world. Maybe this blog will help.
I can’t promise myself, or any friends who might read this that this will be stimulating reading worthy of being printed in the New Yorker or some semi-Socialist magazine, but maybe we’ll all see the writer in me reemerge. And maybe, by dealing with what is going on in my life, I’ll grow as a person (or so everyone keeps telling me…one more person tells me how well I’m handling my mother’s illness and I swear I’m going to scream). Or maybe we’ll all just witness a REALLY bad personal meltdown.
I do owe all reading this a warning. I can be an opinionated, stubborn, bitch sometimes (okay, most of the time) and my writing will reflect that. I used to be one hell of a writer when it came to politics and religion. I hope to be again. Soon.
Another note – I am the village idiot when it comes to computers, blogs, etc. So it may be a while before this things resembles anything worth really looking at:)
