A Brief Leave of Absence July 30, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, life, writing.add a comment
Mom passed away on June 4, 2007. I was by her side. I’ve got a lot to process, which I’ve begun, but have a long way to go.
I will be back in September – or who knows, maybe earlier. My house is a sauna, I’ve got a lot to process, and a lot of things to go through. I’ve just begun going through my apartment and trying to be honest – do I really need this? Or if it’s mom’s – do I really need this to remember her by? I haven’t even been to her apartment yet, nor dealt with her ashes.
So much is going on…and Pablo is back in my life. He was really a great support during the last couple of months of mom’s illness. I finally got tired of the emails and calls and picked up one call and we started talking. He was really a life saver for me – I didn’t feel like there were a lot of people I could talk to. Everyone has their own problems. Besides, people hear the word cancer and flee.
As far as what’s going on in the world, I feel like I’ve been living in a plastic bubble. I don’t like feeling disconnected from the world.
So, I shall return. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!
Too much, too soon January 28, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, writing.1 comment so far
I know I haven’t been posting much, it’s not for lack of things to say. It’s more of a lack for saying them coherently. Oh, and time. EMT’s have come 4 times in last two weeks to pick up my mother because she keeps getting up on her own (despite protests from me, her VNA, her home health aide, her social worker and the EMT’s) and then falling. While she has lost a lot of weight from the cancer, she is still too much for me to pick up. I really can’t leave for any length of time, unless I know she’s asleep. Taking out the garbage Wednesday was the 4th visit from the EMT’s.
She did make the decision to go to home hospice. She can’t really walk, so chemo is pretty much out of the question. I have her asking me if I know how to write an obituary, the social worker asking me to pick a funeral home, and relatives coming out of the woodwork that I don’t know if their intentions are honorable. And the thought in the back of my head as to how much longer I can do this by myself. I promised her I wouldn’t put her in a nursing home – and I don’t want to. It’s just that I’m falling apart both emotionally and physically. And her oncologist telling me that while I need to take care of her, she WILL die from this, and I need to think about my own future.
The only good thing I can say I’ve accomplished this week is still not responding to Pablo. I did call his voice mail a week or so ago and asked him not to call, said I wasn’t angry, and that maybe (*maybe* being the key word here) I would contact him in the future. Too much going on in my life to be unintentionally played with by an unstable person.
Beginnings… January 11, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, beginnings, cancer, writing.2 comments
Beginnings, and approaching endings, have never been easy for me – whether they were something as difficult as personal relationships, or academic, like when I would start a term paper the night before it was due (and always manage to ace it). In the past few years my writing has become much more difficult for me, partially due to fibro fog (from my Fibromyalgia) and I’m sure partially from letting my brain …well, for lack of a better word, rot. In a distant past I was constantly writing – research papers, correspondence, and of course, tons of journal writing. I was much more articulate in those days. Much more intelligent. Realistically, I know the intelligence and articulateness are still there (perhaps just sleeping?). But, DAMN, I sure feel stupid these days. So if you are reading this, and read further posts, please bear with me. Thus begins the blog.
Endings are another thing though. My mother has advanced pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in early December. Short of a miracle (and I am praying for one), we’re on limited time. How limited varies from doctor to doctor and whether she decides to continue treatment. To say I am not dealing well with this is an understatement. In the past my journals have been my sounding boards, my place to try and make sense of the world. Maybe this blog will help.
I can’t promise myself, or any friends who might read this that this will be stimulating reading worthy of being printed in the New Yorker or some semi-Socialist magazine, but maybe we’ll all see the writer in me reemerge. And maybe, by dealing with what is going on in my life, I’ll grow as a person (or so everyone keeps telling me…one more person tells me how well I’m handling my mother’s illness and I swear I’m going to scream). Or maybe we’ll all just witness a REALLY bad personal meltdown.
I do owe all reading this a warning. I can be an opinionated, stubborn, bitch sometimes (okay, most of the time) and my writing will reflect that. I used to be one hell of a writer when it came to politics and religion. I hope to be again. Soon.
Another note – I am the village idiot when it comes to computers, blogs, etc. So it may be a while before this things resembles anything worth really looking at:)
