Time takes it’s toll… April 10, 2007
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Well, mom’s cancer and my depression (and loneliness, boy do people drop out of sight when illness is in the picture) has really caught up with me. So, this will be short.
Laura had to go back into the hospital last Friday (so much for Good Friday) because her blood clot in her leg isn’t going down…maybe even got worst. She spent the weekend in the hopsital (where we argued by phone constantly), and then she got transferred to a different nursing facility. The other one was giving inadequite care. All we seem to do anymore is argue. I know it’s because I’m the only one she has to fight with, but it really hurts.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this. What if she stays in the nursing home for the rest of her life? She hates life and wishes she were dead, and I can’t blame her. But I don’t know how to deal with this by myself anymore. I feel this huge depression falling over me.
The fact that I have little family except for Uncle Clinton doesn’t help.
I heard from my friend. I don’t know what to make out of it. When I get him on the phone he’s chatty Cathy, inevitably, it’s a bad time for me, and we both say for me to try later, and I always seem to get his voice mail. Called him on Easter while I was at my friends house figuring I’d get his voice mail – and he answered. Scared the sh*t out of me. He did come right out and ask me how old I was. So, I lied. I would tell him eventually if things went anywhere…
And I’m so low, (how low are you?), I answered one of Pablo’s emails. I know. Big mistake. See what happens when I hit bottom?
What the future holds… March 23, 2007
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I haven’t had the time to update the blog. Haven’t had the time to talk on the phone. Haven’t had a minute to myself. And I’ve been very depressed. And the fibro has been really bad. By the time all the CNA’s leave, the nurse, the social worker has left, I feed Mom dinner, change her, etc., I just want to fall into bed (only to be awakened several times during the night, which doesn’t lead to restful sleep). I try not to think about the future because I just can’t handle it right now.
Thursday Mom was admitted to the hospital with a good size blood clot that was from her groin to above her knee. Since she can’t get out of the hospital bed, she’ll be prone to them. She spent the night in the hospital and then was admitted to a nursing home for a week to get her started on blood thinners. I acted like it was nothing to worry about, but I was scared out of my mind. She thinks this is the end, and there’s no talking her out of it. She’s very depressed and nothing has helped. She’s also very angry and bitter. She’s having trouble swallowing her meds, so she’s not taking her anti-depressants. I don’t know how to handle her mood swings, her bitterness – a lot of which is aimed at me. I understand I’m the only one she can aim it at because she knows I love her, but it still hurts.
And so I continue to try not to think about what the future holds. Denial is so much easier.
The house is still a wreck – it’s very difficult to get into the computer room with the mattress in here. I get claustrophobic. Enough!!
Things personally have been … somewhat overwhelming. I feel terrible making any plans for myself or my future. On the stressful side, I’ve received about 4 or 5 emails from Pablo asking for an update. Today I got an message on my cell phone. So I finally felt safe enough to respond (unfortunately he was at lunch and answered, but my response was the same). The doormat analogy was perfect! For the first time in a long time I felt strong! It turns out my prior thought on the subject were correct.
I’m tired. For those I haven’t been in touch with, please understand that things are crazy here…
Another day, more shit… February 20, 2007
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My sleep these days suck. Most fibromyalgia patients tend to be late starters – early for me is about 11. By then I can usually get my bones to start working. This is the first winter in several years that it’s been this bad. I was even dreaming in my sleep how badly my knees hurt. My sleep sucks – 2 sleeping pills and a cup of warm milk or not.
My last dream I was skip tracing in my dream with bad knees! I haven’t worked collections in over 13 years!!! Skip tracing I think I had a 95% find status, it was the collecting I sucked at, which is why I got out. Capitalistic fiends! So what if someone in the family had AIDS, or cancer, or they were about to lose their house – we were supposed to convince them to send us their last dime.
I’m tired, rundown. Can’t find my flipping check book. (Like everything else in the house) I wonder if I’ll be able to take care of Laura when she does come home. But this is where I want her to be. I just feel myself spiraling into this very dark depression, and I don’t know how to stop it. I am literally scared of not being able to come back up. Not even for air.
Everyone, including my therapist (you really didn’t think I didn’t have one, did you?) keeps repeating that I have to take care of my self, but that’s not so easy. I don’t actually have a bed, it wouldn’t fit anywhere with the hospital bed, so when Laura comes back I’m back to sleeping on my summer chaise lounge with a lot of blankets underneath it. As it is, sleeping in her hospital bed, I wake up at least 3 or 4 times a night. The puppy downstairs doesn’t help (“duh people, you have to take time to train him, you can’t just throw him outside”.). And my brain just keeps moving at a thousand miles a minute – what am I going to do? The social worker from the hospice company recommended that I choose and contact a funeral company for when the time comes. (“Yes, mom, we’re still going to try to do things, excuse me while I make plans for your funeral.”). I’ll have to go through her things, get my apartment livable – and what everyone keeps asking me – or in Linda’s case, keeps telling me – I need to make a life for myself in the future. Do I want to stay in New England? Do I want to move? Unfortunately, I have a fibromyalgia clinic a half hour away that is highly recommended, and RI has excellent social services. I try to take it one day at a time, one crisis at a time, but it all inevitably evolves into this huge over analyzed process.
On top of that, one of my mother’s bunnies (all rescues, all house rabbits, all litter box trained – or at least until all of this started) has an eye infection. It looks like he’ll lose his sight in that eye – he’ll do okay, he’s bonded with a female who takes care of him. It’s just that rabbits are VERY quick to go downhill. Very delicate creatures. The vets we usually take them to is in Wellsley, MA, about an hour and 30 minutes from here. I still don’t have my license. A friend took me last Fridays and will take me tomorrow for his recheck to a trusted local vet, but our vet in Wellsley graduated from Tufts with her specialty in rabbits. If something happened to this little guy (well, he weighs about 11lbs) I don’t think my mother could handle it. I don’t think I could handle it. The last time we had a bonded pair and we lost the white male, his “wife” passed away shortly after, basically from a broken heart.
Brief Respite February 14, 2007
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Have been violently ill since Saturday. Mom staying, temporarily, I hope, at hospice home due to my inability to take care of her as well as fear of her catching whatever it is I have. House very lonely. Frightened of what is to come.
News Not Unexpected February 5, 2007
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Mom has deteriorated unbelievably fast over the past two days. Never mind that she can no longer walk – that was two weeks ago – but now she can no longer even sit up in bed. We need to get the hospital bed in my apartment as soon as possible. I always had a feeling that her doctor’s estimate of possibly 8 months to live was an overestimate. I could tell by the way my mother was responding to the news that she had cancer, and her extremely deep depression, that time was short. I think I had already come to grips on my own that it wouldn’t be long. I even had a dream last night that scared the hell out of me. Far too vivid. So I was surprised and yet not surprised when I asked the visiting nurse today how long she thought mom had and she replied “maybe a few weeks”. For the most part I was expecting that and maybe even felt a sort of relief. Mom’s not living. She sleeps all day, she’s cut herself off from all friends and what little family we have, all she thinks about day and night is dying, and she has these horribly vivid dreams about her body exploding, etc. She needs some peace. I cannot imagine what a void there will be in my life without her. Despite our sometimes toxic relationship, despite months where we would not speak to each other, despite horrible words exchanged between us, I think we always knew we loved each other. For the most part it’s just been her and myself getting though life toghter. Kind of envisioned us in twenty years sitting on rocking chairs on a front porch bickering and laughing.
And time marches on… January 20, 2007
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I’m really too tired to write anything. I have some very serious decisions to make over the next few days about several situations. Laura has gone from deciding to go onto hospice (home) on Wednesday after her oncologist appointment to deciding to continue chemo – or at least that’s her decision at the moment. However, I think I may have a more serious decision to make and I have no idea how to broach the subject with her. I’m just so worn down that the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again drains me. I have had to call 911 to come and pick her up because she’s fallen twice this week – well, actually three times. One of the times a social worker was here and we were able to get her back on the bed, but not without wrenching my already disc degenerated back. She’s not eating much. She’s dehydrated. This isn’t how it should be.
Everything else has just fallen apart. I can’t even get around to changing the cat litter, nevermind cleaning the house. I can’t do errands because she can’t be trusted to stay in bed. I can’t vacuum because there isn’t a clear path anywhere. Computer time, really the only time I get to myself, is rare.
Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Just when I was at peace with (somewhat passively) cutting the cord with him, who do I hear from but Pablo. I was just thinking this week that I wasn’t mad or angry at him over our last conversation, and I wasn’t really upset about not hearing from him. That part of my life was sort of zen. Well, f*&$ me, who emails me yesterday? “Oh and I know you might be angry with me, but I’d appreciate at least a short response”.
Guess I picked the wrong year to stop swearing.
Houston, I think we have a problem… January 16, 2007
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Remember that possible “really bad personal meltdown” I mentioned when I started this blog? Well, it started yesterday, and hit crisis level today. I really thought I could handle this. I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park, but I thought I could do this on my own. Especially now, in the early stages (or as early as you can get with advanced pancreatic cancer) of Laura’s illness. Of course, my depression kicking in didn’t help. I’m just overwhelmed. Too many things to take care of, large and small, and now even the little things have become overwhelming. At this point we’re both just hanging on by a thread and little things are cutting away at that thread to the point where we’re both reaching meltdown…”I’m melting…melting”…picture the scene from “The Wizard of Oz” where the scarecrow throws the bucket of water on the wicked witch and I think that’s a pretty good image of what’s happening. Things from the past that I thought we had put behind us this past summer have popped back out. Or maybe they were there all along and we just tried to ignore them. But they’re somewhat ugly things – I may or may not go into them later. Let’s just say that I think years of therapy have been completely undone in a short matter of time.
I’m tired. I’m not sleeping well. And at 2:30 pm I think the only thing I can face right now is a nap.
