A Brief Leave of Absence July 30, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, life, writing.add a comment
Mom passed away on June 4, 2007. I was by her side. I’ve got a lot to process, which I’ve begun, but have a long way to go.
I will be back in September – or who knows, maybe earlier. My house is a sauna, I’ve got a lot to process, and a lot of things to go through. I’ve just begun going through my apartment and trying to be honest – do I really need this? Or if it’s mom’s – do I really need this to remember her by? I haven’t even been to her apartment yet, nor dealt with her ashes.
So much is going on…and Pablo is back in my life. He was really a great support during the last couple of months of mom’s illness. I finally got tired of the emails and calls and picked up one call and we started talking. He was really a life saver for me – I didn’t feel like there were a lot of people I could talk to. Everyone has their own problems. Besides, people hear the word cancer and flee.
As far as what’s going on in the world, I feel like I’ve been living in a plastic bubble. I don’t like feeling disconnected from the world.
So, I shall return. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!
Time takes it’s toll… April 10, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, depression, life.add a comment
Well, mom’s cancer and my depression (and loneliness, boy do people drop out of sight when illness is in the picture) has really caught up with me. So, this will be short.
Laura had to go back into the hospital last Friday (so much for Good Friday) because her blood clot in her leg isn’t going down…maybe even got worst. She spent the weekend in the hopsital (where we argued by phone constantly), and then she got transferred to a different nursing facility. The other one was giving inadequite care. All we seem to do anymore is argue. I know it’s because I’m the only one she has to fight with, but it really hurts.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this. What if she stays in the nursing home for the rest of her life? She hates life and wishes she were dead, and I can’t blame her. But I don’t know how to deal with this by myself anymore. I feel this huge depression falling over me.
The fact that I have little family except for Uncle Clinton doesn’t help.
I heard from my friend. I don’t know what to make out of it. When I get him on the phone he’s chatty Cathy, inevitably, it’s a bad time for me, and we both say for me to try later, and I always seem to get his voice mail. Called him on Easter while I was at my friends house figuring I’d get his voice mail – and he answered. Scared the sh*t out of me. He did come right out and ask me how old I was. So, I lied. I would tell him eventually if things went anywhere…
And I’m so low, (how low are you?), I answered one of Pablo’s emails. I know. Big mistake. See what happens when I hit bottom?
A little fun for once… February 24, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in beginnings, life.2 comments
I have about three started posts, but for whatever reasons have them saved and may salvage them at a later date. But with the changes going on in my life and everyone and their uncle telling me to think about the future, I decided to start a list of things I’d like to try and at least start, if not accomplish, by 2008. The list will be expanding, so check back every one in a while…
1) See and spend a lot of time at the ocean this summer – haven’t been in 11 years and I’ve no excuse, I live on the east coast.
2) Travel. The west coast, Mardi Gras (Well, a little late for that, but plans for next year. For Robbie.) Russia, Egypt, England, somewhere in the South Pacific, warm and wet - oh hell anywhere!! And France (Russia, England, and France are old family stomping grounds – my history). Cambodia, Thailand, Spain, Italy…oh, is there any place I don’t want to visit?
3) Get off the pill merry-go-round that has started again (I went 7 months without pain killers…now I’m living on pain pills, tranquilizers, and sleeping pills. Overwhelming stress will do that to you.
4) Try to resolve things with my mother in a better fashion.
5) Learn to play piano (I took lessons once…) or drums…like Keith Moon 
6) Attempt to return to school, even if it’s one course at a time.
7) Regain some sense of control over my physical health.
8) Try scuba diving. I used to be a good swimmer.
9) Take up photography again. Maybe an art class. The product of two talented painters CANNOT have created offsping that even sucks at pencil stick drawing.
10) Read again, and more. I started this year, but it’s frustrating with the fibro fog, not to mention that I’m sure my meds are affecting my memory and concentration.
11) Be easier on myself.
12) Lose weight – meaning getting in better shape. Not for looks, but for being healthy.
13) Establish/reestablish closer friendships more in line with my way of life.
14) Get more involved with those issues important to me.
15) Live more authentically.
16) Figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
17) Let go of the old me ideas that no longer fit.
18) Get back in touch with my spiritual side.
19) Learn to Tango!
20) Learn Arabic … how’s that for reaching for the stars from someone who took 5 years of French and can barely remember how to say …oh geez, I can’t even remember how to spell in French!
21) My God!!! How could I have forgotten??? I have wanted to learn how to fly since I was 6 years old!!!
I’ll expand on these and add to them in the future. Right now, I’d like to get some rest. Any suggestions?
