What the future holds… March 23, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, fibromyalgia.add a comment
I haven’t had the time to update the blog. Haven’t had the time to talk on the phone. Haven’t had a minute to myself. And I’ve been very depressed. And the fibro has been really bad. By the time all the CNA’s leave, the nurse, the social worker has left, I feed Mom dinner, change her, etc., I just want to fall into bed (only to be awakened several times during the night, which doesn’t lead to restful sleep). I try not to think about the future because I just can’t handle it right now.
Thursday Mom was admitted to the hospital with a good size blood clot that was from her groin to above her knee. Since she can’t get out of the hospital bed, she’ll be prone to them. She spent the night in the hospital and then was admitted to a nursing home for a week to get her started on blood thinners. I acted like it was nothing to worry about, but I was scared out of my mind. She thinks this is the end, and there’s no talking her out of it. She’s very depressed and nothing has helped. She’s also very angry and bitter. She’s having trouble swallowing her meds, so she’s not taking her anti-depressants. I don’t know how to handle her mood swings, her bitterness – a lot of which is aimed at me. I understand I’m the only one she can aim it at because she knows I love her, but it still hurts.
And so I continue to try not to think about what the future holds. Denial is so much easier.
The house is still a wreck – it’s very difficult to get into the computer room with the mattress in here. I get claustrophobic. Enough!!
Things personally have been … somewhat overwhelming. I feel terrible making any plans for myself or my future. On the stressful side, I’ve received about 4 or 5 emails from Pablo asking for an update. Today I got an message on my cell phone. So I finally felt safe enough to respond (unfortunately he was at lunch and answered, but my response was the same). The doormat analogy was perfect! For the first time in a long time I felt strong! It turns out my prior thought on the subject were correct.
I’m tired. For those I haven’t been in touch with, please understand that things are crazy here…
Too many options… February 15, 2007
Posted by thelastresort in Mom, cancer, fibromyalgia.add a comment
So far, in the six days since my mom was put in the hospice center temporarily while I was sick (and now she is too) at least four or five people have said, with all good intentions, that maybe it’s where my mom should stay. Less stress on me, plus she’s be getting full care. It brings me to the point of hysteria every time. I should be taking care of my mother. She should be home, surrounded by myself and the animals she loves that bring her such joy. I want her to be here when the time comes for her passing, not in some home where nothing looks familiar. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But this week of being sick has given us both some time to relax and catch up on sleep. This is where I want her. And she sounds so depressed at the hospice center. She was in tears the other day. I know most can’t understand, but our “four legged babies” mean the world to both of us. They’re what keep us going when the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t seem to be shining. Obviously, if it DID become too much, if her mind goes first, I may have to reconsider. But right now, she belongs with me. Is that so selfish? That I WANT to take care of my mom through this? She saw me into this world, I’d like to see her out. Any comments would be appreciated, as I’m so confused right now as to what is best for her.
I’m still sick as a dog. Waiting for the rest of the symptoms to subside. I hate the way my body rebels against me when it feels like it. Haven’t had that major of a problem with my fibro in some time. Since this weekend, and the storm, I can barely move my hands. I’m so sick of this shit. My knees are cracking every time I move them, and my back feels like someone took a hot poker and just poked at a few discs.
I think I’ll slink back to bed…
