Sanity is Just a State of Mind…

I haven’t had the time to update the blog.  Haven’t had the time to talk on the phone.  Haven’t had a minute to myself.  And I’ve been very depressed.  And the fibro has been really bad.  By the time all the CNA’s leave, the nurse, the social worker has left, I feed Mom dinner, change her, etc., I just want to fall into bed (only to be awakened several times during the night, which doesn’t lead to restful sleep).  I try not to think about the future because I just can’t handle it right now.

Thursday Mom was admitted to the hospital with a good size blood clot that was from her groin to above her knee.  Since she can’t get out of the hospital bed, she’ll be prone to them.  She spent the night in the hospital and then was admitted to a nursing home for a week to get her started on blood thinners.  I acted like it was nothing to worry about, but I was scared out of my mind.  She thinks this is the end, and there’s no talking her out of it.  She’s very depressed and nothing has helped.  She’s also very angry and bitter.  She’s having trouble swallowing her meds, so she’s not taking her anti-depressants.  I don’t know how to handle her mood swings, her bitterness – a lot of which is aimed at me.  I understand I’m the only one she can aim it at because she knows I love her, but it still hurts.

And so I continue to try not to think about what the future holds.  Denial is so much easier.

The house is still a wreck – it’s very difficult to get into the computer room with the mattress in here.  I get claustrophobic.  Enough!!

Things personally have been … somewhat overwhelming.  I feel terrible making any plans for myself or my future.  On the stressful side, I’ve received about 4 or 5 emails from Pablo asking for an update.  Today I got an message on my cell phone.  So I finally felt safe enough to respond (unfortunately he was at lunch and answered, but my response was the same).  The doormat analogy was perfect!  For the first time in a long time I felt strong!  It turns out my prior thought on the subject were correct.

I’m tired.  For those I haven’t been in touch with, please understand that things are crazy here…