Sanity is Just a State of Mind…

My sleep these days suck.  Most fibromyalgia patients tend to be late starters – early for me is about 11.  By then I can usually get my bones to start working.  This is the first winter in several years that it’s been this bad.  I was even dreaming in my sleep how badly my knees hurt.  My sleep sucks – 2 sleeping pills and a cup of warm milk or not. 

My last dream I was skip tracing in my dream with bad knees!  I haven’t worked collections in over 13 years!!!  Skip tracing I think I had a 95% find status, it was the collecting I sucked at, which is why I got out.  Capitalistic fiends!  So what if someone in the family had AIDS, or cancer, or they were about to lose their house – we were supposed to convince them to send us their last dime. 

I’m tired, rundown.  Can’t find my flipping check book. (Like everything else in the house)  I wonder if I’ll be able to take care of Laura when she does come home.  But this is where I want her to be.  I just feel myself spiraling into this very dark depression, and I don’t know how to stop it.  I am literally scared of not being able to come back up.  Not even for air.

Everyone, including my therapist (you really didn’t think I didn’t have one, did you?) keeps repeating that I have to take care of my self, but that’s not so easy.  I don’t actually have a bed, it wouldn’t fit anywhere with the hospital bed, so when Laura comes back I’m back to sleeping on my summer chaise lounge with a lot of blankets underneath it.  As it is, sleeping in her hospital bed, I wake up at least 3 or 4 times a night.  The puppy downstairs doesn’t help (“duh people, you have to take time to train him, you can’t just throw him outside”.).  And my brain just keeps moving at a thousand miles a minute – what am I going to do?  The social worker from the hospice company recommended that I choose and contact a funeral company for when the time comes. (“Yes, mom, we’re still going to try to do things, excuse me while I make plans for your funeral.”).  I’ll have to go through her things, get my apartment livable – and what everyone keeps asking me – or in Linda’s case, keeps telling me – I need to make a life for myself in the future.  Do I want to stay in New England?  Do I want to move?  Unfortunately, I have a fibromyalgia clinic a half hour away that is highly recommended, and RI has excellent social services.  I try to take it one day at a time, one crisis at a time, but it all inevitably evolves into this huge over analyzed process.

On top of that, one of my mother’s bunnies (all rescues, all house rabbits, all litter box trained – or at least until all of this started) has an eye infection.  It looks like he’ll lose his sight in that eye – he’ll do okay, he’s bonded with a female who takes care of him.  It’s just that rabbits are VERY quick to go downhill.  Very delicate creatures.  The vets we usually take them to is in Wellsley, MA, about an hour and 30 minutes from here.  I still don’t have my license.  A friend took me last Fridays and will take me tomorrow for his recheck to a trusted local vet, but our vet in Wellsley graduated from Tufts with her specialty in rabbits.  If something happened to this little guy (well, he weighs about 11lbs) I don’t think my mother could handle it.  I don’t think I could handle it.  The last time we had a bonded pair and we lost the white male, his “wife” passed away shortly after, basically from a broken heart.